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June 29, 2011
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"I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse." said Chad as Kisha wiped blood off his face and applied a bandage.

"It looks like he hit you with more than just that." she replied, "If I were to guess he punched you twice with his left in the head and struck a right to the gut."

"And this is exactly why you have this job." he smiled taking some gauze to stop the blood pouring out of his nose, "You got it exactly right.  How do you do that?"

"Years of college." she replied examining his chest to see the extent of the damage, "What did you do to get him to hit you like this?"

"I already told you" Chad ran a hand through his hair, "I called him gay and he hit me with his purse."

"I need more than that." she frowned, "And I know for a fact Jeff isn't gay."

"You know how he was dressed up as a woman for his most recent assignment?" Kisha nodded, "I saw him on the way there and thought it would be funny to mess with him so I called him gay.  He hit me with his purse to distract me then punched me.  Thankfully Scott was there to stop him and get me back here.  I was just joking, I don't know why he took it so seriously."

"I've warned you before about making fun of him.  He may be short and thin, but he's still an agent trained to defend himself." she scolded, "Besides this isn't the first mission like this he's been on."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes I am" she stood up and grabbed an ice pack from the small refrigerator in the office giving it to Chad before continuing, "Sometimes HQ needs the person who goes in to be a woman and the person who does the actual work to be a man simply because a woman can get in, but if they turn into a man they'll never be suspected.  Jeff is short and thin so he can pass as an unshapely, plain woman in order to enter the area he's supposed to, but then he changes out of his disguise and by the time they figure out someone has infiltrated them they are looking for a woman who doesn't exist.  He's very good at his job and definitely not gay."

"Wow you really are serious" he said, "Why did you ever start dating a tiny, unattractive, cross dressing, weakling like him anyway?  As a doctor to secret agents you could have had your pick of any of the agents including me."

"I didn't start dating Jeff for his looks, Chad, believe it or not." Kisha laughed, "I started dating him for his personality.  And besides I prefer for my boyfriends not to come home with injuries inflicted by someone they call a weakling."

"But−" she cut him off by handing him some pain medicine.

"I'm going home now to my "cross dressing" boyfriend and I suggest you go home as well.  If you're still in pain tomorrow I suggest you refrain from calling me until I get into the office at eight.  I also suggest you stop calling Jeff gay unless you want me to up your dosage of pain medicine.  Then I'll have to see your face again and I'm not sure I can do that.  Good night Chad." she said sweetly with just enough sarcasm before turning around and walking down the hall.

"He still hit me with his purse!" he called after her trying to regain a little of his dignity.  He had really picked a fight with the wrong person.
I was looking at flair on Facebook about and hour ago and I saw a flair I've seen many times. It just had writing that said "I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me wit his purse" Thanks to that flair this kinda just popped in my head... YAY for random name generators!

Critique for TheWrittenRevolution: [link]

Questions for TheWrittenRevolution:
:bulletpurple:I often give myself prompts and then try to write on them as best as I can. Do you think the idea I came up with for the prompt "I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse" is creative?
:bulletpurple:I don't give out a lot of information in this story, but do you think that what I do give is enough?
:bulletpurple:Since this is mainly dialogue do you think I used a good variety of dialogue words other than said?
:bulletpurple:Is there anything you see in this story that you think I could improve on?
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:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
Oh and congrats on DLD (that's where I first saw this, even though I'm sure this is in my inbox for the Written Revolution as well...I'm just slow to get through these things)
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:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I think you gave out enough information, but the second half is definitely stronger than the first half of the piece -- tighter, with each line having a lot more impact and interest.

Variety of words other than said isn't a problem here, but sometimes your efforts to avoid plain old "said" overdo it: take "she said sweetly with just enough sarcasm before turning around and walking down the hall" for instance, quite a wordy bit there, it feels like you're modifying more than necessary though it isn't a huge problem.

Okay, here's a complicated one: I think you gave out enough info as I said, but I think your dialogue sometimes got a bit thick. Like...the conversation gets more to "prove author's point" without feeling very authentic, try to get more back-and-forth banter in there rather than big fat paragraphs of speech.

Your punctuation is a little wonky, notably whenever quotation marks show up (commas, capitalization, etc) so I suggest checking out an online resource about formatting dialogue.

Clever idea! I think if you tidy up the execution, this could be a really sweet deal :)
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:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
^ Basically what I think I meant with my first comment about the second half being stronger = you can cut to the chase a little faster. The idea is simple yet clever, but because it is a simple one, you really don't need a very long story to get it across (not that your story is long -- but it could be shorter and/or crisper).
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The story itself is pretty funny, but the dialogue itself has too much telling. She wouldn't need to explain half of this out loud, and the sentences are a little long to flow naturally. Hope the feedback helps! (Sorry that I suck at constructive criticism...)
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconxyleena56:
Xyleena56 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student Writer
Wow, thank you. I'm really flattered by this.
Reply
:iconcreativity-squared:
Creativity-Squared Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
Hi! I think you have a good story going here. I'm going to answer your questions that you have posted for you. :)

1.) The "I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse" prompt is quite original and creative. My personal opinion is that you maybe focused too much on this line than the characterization of Chad and Kisha. An idea would be to take away some of the focus on the prompt specifically and move that focus to the characters.

2.) I think that you could give some more information about the setting of the story. We're given the impression that the two are in a workplace setting--perhaps a medical center or lab. However, you are pretty vague on where exactly the two characters are. The dialogue is well written, though, and you do intersperse the talking with action, which is good.

3.) I personally think that you do use a variety of synonyms besides 'said.' That is fine. However, I don't believe that the word is taboo. Putting in 'said' all the time does become redundant, but it's not completely necessary to put an effort into not using it. Nevertheless, you do a good job with the dialogue.

4.) When reading this story, I found a lot of sentence where some commas could be used. If you feel like you need to pause when reading it aloud, then it probably needs a comma. Hope I'm not being nitpicky.

Again, this is a good story. Have a great day!
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:iconspiritduchess:
SpiritDuchess Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
heh heh, thanks for the smile.
Reply
:icontearoses:
TeaRoses Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011
I do think it was a creative idea. I've seen that line too, I think, and I never would have come up with this.

I think it's enough information to understand what's going on. It's mysterious, but that's OK.

I wouldn't worry too much about overusing "said" but I think you did fine with using other words too.

The only thing that I'm thinking is that both these guys sound like jerks. Chad sounds like a jerk for calling someone "gay" as an insult and Jeff sounds like a jerk for punching Chad (apparently really badly) in response to being called gay. (The hitting with the purse thing in itself was funny to me, but the rest not so much.)

Plus Chad sounds like a real jerk for suggesting Jeff isn't manly enough to be a good boyfriend.

Anyway, if Chad's supposed to be a jerk and Jeff's supposed to overreact to things then the characterization worked!

I don't mean to sound too harsh -- I did enjoy your writing and it was an interesting story, with a good setup.
Reply
:iconhi-i-am-rom:
Hi-I-Am-Rom Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hello there, ^^ hopefully I can answer your questions and that you are okay with critique. First of all I will say that I think this is a very cool concept but it does have a few flaws here and there. It's nothing that can't be easily ironed out however.

1) First of all I do this it is a quite original prompt, although the situation of a guy calling another guy gay which is followed up by a good purse slapping, is slightly overdone. It is however good that you can be inspired so easily and could write a whole short story out of that one line.

2) I really don't think there is enough information given, at the start it is assumed that they were high-schoolers or just normal people and then you mentioned "The HQ," and that the reason that Jeff was crossdressing was becuase he was a secret agent. This however is really not elaborated so it just ends up being redundant. You don't know why they are doing what they are doing and why places need infiltrated. The secret agent plot really needs to be brought up earlier and explained fully. To improve on this you could add a paragraph before the first line of speech when with Scott's help Chad limps into the HQ and complains that he hasn't been in this much pain after some of his most dangerous assignments. You could either do this or just change it so it doesn't have agents at all, and Jeff cross dresses becuase he likes to.

3) Yes you did, your variety of words was very good.

4) Yes there is a few things, "Sometimes HQ needs the person who goes in to be a woman and the person who does the actual work to be a man simply because a woman can get in, but if they turn into a man they'll never be suspected." This sentence somehow doesn't make very much sense, I think it is becuase there are so many things going on it. Maybe if you changed it to something along the lines of: Sometimes the job demands it, people generally trust women more than men. Also it is a good disguise, once he is inside he can turn can turn back into a man and the security won't know it is him." You also basically repeat everything you'd said in the next sentence. You could make this better by maybe just adding a small sentence that says: "Jeff is short and thin, so he is perfect for the job."

Anyway overall I did enjoy this, hopefully my comments did not come across as rude or that I was ripping your piece apart. Keep writing and improving! ^^
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